Picture a ball of yarn; a big one with many knots and tangles on the inside. Multicolored, with some parts being dark and the others light. Around the edges of the sphere are various loose ends sticking out haphazardly, making it in danger of unraveling. This is what my brain and heart have felt like recently, and I'm not really sure why. Much of it has to do with my decision to attend the AFA, and the tasks I've had to complete during the application process, and others have to do with Beth being away, and other family issues. Besides that, I think it's just being a complicated girl that has gotten me so emotional and twisted inside. And yet for all of these feelings and thoughts, I can't seem to communicate them or release them. Not nearly as well as I normally can, anyway. Usually I just write how I feel in a long stream, but in the past few days the words haven't been coming. I once wrote a poem, and in I called myself a "bottle ready to burst"...this also quite aptly describes me as of late. I get so confused and frustrated with myself, and feel about to blow, yet nothing seems to come out. Even now, as I write this, I feel detached, in a way. Isolated. Alone. Yet I know I"m not, and that I have no reason to feel these things. And so I am conflicted.
Wow. I wrote that...perhaps about a month ago. I'm not sure exactly. And I remember that I wanted to finish it but couldn't figure out what to say. As I had written, the words would not come. And now to finish the story...
So, I was feeling like that for awhile. Alone. Kinda scared for the future. Like I had no one to talk to who would understand. Missing Beth. Yeah, it wasn't much fun. Then, last week, I had a couple of nice, long convos with my Papa-God. And he told me some things that...were amazing and encouraging and pretty much just what I needed. He also told me to be myself, and to be real with Him. So I told Him how I was feeling. And you know what? I don't feel alone anymore. I know my Papa is with me, and that He understands me. I'm learning how to function as a child of God, and by myself, w/o Beth. Which is something I knew that God wanted to teach me, and that I really needed to learn. Too bad I had to wait until 5 months after Bethany left to talk with Him about it.
By no means does that mean I don't miss Beth, or anything like that. 'Cause I still do. Mucho. But now I can honestly say that this time of separation has been good for me. It still kinda scares me to think that it's just the begining, and we'll never quite be able to go back to always being together like before...but I know I can handle it. Because I'm not alone. And I am headed in the direction that God has for me. *peaceful sigh* And I'm resting in that. Well, spiritually anyway. I'm still doing the things I need to do for the AFA. ;)
Oh, and btw - I got a nomination from my local Representative. Teehee! :-D 'Still gotta get an appointment though. So...not quite in yet.
There you have it. The ball did unravel, sorta. At least, it got pulled apart with the knots taken out, and then put back together again. Now it doesn't have nearly as man loose ends, and it's being taken care of by the strong, yet gentle hand of the Best Daddy Ever. *emphatic nod*
G'night!
~Rachel
Wow. I wrote that...perhaps about a month ago. I'm not sure exactly. And I remember that I wanted to finish it but couldn't figure out what to say. As I had written, the words would not come. And now to finish the story...
So, I was feeling like that for awhile. Alone. Kinda scared for the future. Like I had no one to talk to who would understand. Missing Beth. Yeah, it wasn't much fun. Then, last week, I had a couple of nice, long convos with my Papa-God. And he told me some things that...were amazing and encouraging and pretty much just what I needed. He also told me to be myself, and to be real with Him. So I told Him how I was feeling. And you know what? I don't feel alone anymore. I know my Papa is with me, and that He understands me. I'm learning how to function as a child of God, and by myself, w/o Beth. Which is something I knew that God wanted to teach me, and that I really needed to learn. Too bad I had to wait until 5 months after Bethany left to talk with Him about it.
By no means does that mean I don't miss Beth, or anything like that. 'Cause I still do. Mucho. But now I can honestly say that this time of separation has been good for me. It still kinda scares me to think that it's just the begining, and we'll never quite be able to go back to always being together like before...but I know I can handle it. Because I'm not alone. And I am headed in the direction that God has for me. *peaceful sigh* And I'm resting in that. Well, spiritually anyway. I'm still doing the things I need to do for the AFA. ;)
Oh, and btw - I got a nomination from my local Representative. Teehee! :-D 'Still gotta get an appointment though. So...not quite in yet.
There you have it. The ball did unravel, sorta. At least, it got pulled apart with the knots taken out, and then put back together again. Now it doesn't have nearly as man loose ends, and it's being taken care of by the strong, yet gentle hand of the Best Daddy Ever. *emphatic nod*
G'night!
~Rachel
2 comments:
I'm so glad your life is being held together by the gentle hand of our loving Daddy! =D PTL! And congrats, Rae! *high fives*
Btw, Beth'll be back before you know it. Time does fly :)
Also, I needed that...the whole accepting we'll never be together as much as we'd like thing. I know that's for you and your sister, but I'm in a similar situation and it's nice to have it pointed out that God won't let us ever be alone, so thanks for sharing, chica :)
Yeah I have a blog! If you get a change, spread the word to our friends. I'll try to update atleast every two weeks, even if it's only a paragraph or two.K, g2g, love you!
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